Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
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