the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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