if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize