this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Randomize
