Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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