I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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