im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Randomize
