You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
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