Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
