she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Randomize
