Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
