you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
