I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
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He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
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The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.