Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
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i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
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Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?