I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.