turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
