Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I just gargled with NyQuil
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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