i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
