just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Randomize
