i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize