I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Randomize
