am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
