He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
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