you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
