I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
