Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
