i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie