I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
