how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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