Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
