Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
physics? naw man, teacher told us it was casual friday, so i decided to be super casual and not go.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
