bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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