You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
