i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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