I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
