Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
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