we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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