Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Randomize
