TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
