I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
