Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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