Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
