my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
