you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
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