She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
Randomize
