if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
