I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Randomize
