so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
