I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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