remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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