Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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