I murdered the dance floor call the cops
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes