so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
