i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
