Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
