My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
