I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
