Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Randomize
