I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
