my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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