you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Randomize
