and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
