I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
