I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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